When You Assume, You Make An Ass Out of U And Me

Normally, I wouldn’t post this kind of thing on my blog or even let it bother me. I just have to this once as it is really bugging me and made me want to scream. Since I can’t discuss it with Sir right now for a couple of reasons I thought I’d post it here and hope Sir and I can discuss it later when the time comes.

My mother (Yes, I called her Mother) opened her mouth in front of everyone tonight. She said something in relationship to Sir and I sat there letting her continue to say it without saying a word. I did this only because someone else in the room would have found my remark/comment/expression to my mother rude. I thought better of it then to let shit get started. Staying quiet as I did probably wasn’t smart but I did anyway.

After my mother was done, everyone started in about it. I sat there quiet letting them go at it. Their comments, remarks, etc really hurt me. However, I didn’t say anything nor did I let it show that I was frustrated and upset at all of them. The little one was distracting me from most of it even though I could continue to hear everything that was going on.

I won’t post what anyone said in order to save face and show respect towards my relationship with Sir. I will though express this: I am pissed off about it. You made assuming remarks/comments, which makes an ass out of you and me. I don’t like being made an ass of because of something you said. If you truly loved me as well you wouldn’t make an out of you and me either. I can’t tell you enough how pissed off I am at everything everyone said. It was uncalled for, disrespectful to me and even others who weren’t there and it made me feel like you were treating me like I was a teenager just learning how to date.

In the future, I will open my big mouth from the beginning regardless of how my remarks sounds and make the others feel around me. I’m sick of you assuming, making an ass out of you and me. I’m not the one who should be having an ass made out of me due to the shit you say.

So remember: WHEN YOU ASSUME, YOU MAKE AN ASS OUT OF YOU AND ME!!

The Past, Is It Haunting Me?

Lately, I’ve been so frustrated it’s driven me crazy but I have stood strong and not let it affect me in the least bit. I’ve even hung my head high and moved forward when it was difficult to do just that. I knew what I was getting into but I figured it was behind me like the rest of it was. I figured my past was my past and I had moved forward away from it for good.

Instead, it occurred to me lately when one person who I love a lot in this world had a conversation with me. Within that conversation it was said that maybe my past has reared its ugly ass again. I sat there wondering after it was mentioned if that was the truth and it hit me making me slightly sad inside that I am falling back on the past.

The past for me is ugly and scares me a lot. I never knew for months if we were broken up. I assumed we were but closure was what I wanted and needed to make sure we were. I kept trying to find out and I kept wondering whether it was worth it or not to try.

After having it brought up to me during that conversation, I sat there slightly sad and slightly looking at everything sitting in front of me now. I saw a glimpse of my past being revealed and it scared me. I see it more and more each day. I see the past, his face and my faith of then returning. I keep telling myself it’s not so but then I wonder and wonder until it hurts that I need to stop.

What I think is what I think but do I really know.

THE PAST, IS IT HAUNTING ME?

It Doesn’t Feel Right

I’ve been staring at my blog for a couple of days now wondering whether or not I wanted to write anything here. Ideas have hit me. Stories have hit me but nothing felt right. I’ve been debating, pleading with myself as to why that was. Nothing came to me as to why. Then it hit me earlier today that maybe the reason I’ve been debating whether to write anything here or not has something to do with my past or if it’s just the fact that this part of my life isn’t worth writing about anymore. I don’t know for sure but it makes me sad.

I’m saddened that it hit me earlier today. Mainly because I love my Submissive self and am proud of me for having the courage to come forward and admit it, love it and embrace it for everything its worth. I love this lifestyle and the dynamic Sir and I have together. I’m just not sure though why staring at my blog as I have done time and time again this week has made me feel like nothing felt right.

I wonder the more I write this if there is something inside of me trying to explain to me that writing about my dynamic with Sir is just wrong. That the entire world doesn’t need to know about it even if no one in my personal everyday life knows. I’m debating it all within my head right now wondering.

I’m debating with myself whether this blog is going to feel right again and bring me back that spark that it did when I started writing it at the beginning of my dynamic with Sir. I don’t know. I just wonder so much lately that it makes me sad to think about it all. I wish I wasn’t sad thinking about it nor do I feel the way I feel now.

Writing this blog and expressing myself in this lifestyle has been a blessing but it hasn’t felt that way in the past week or two. I’m scared I guess is the better word to write anything here in fear of something. BUT WHAT?

It’s Important to Me

Valentine’s Day yesterday was important to me because I had been working so hard on putting together Sir’s gift. I had been working on it for the past month or so and was excited about putting it together. I figured we wouldn’t see each other on the actual day, which was ok with me. Instead, I figured we would see each other on Sunday, February 12 and we would celebrate. That didn’t happen.

However, yesterday I didn’t even get a single message from Sir or acknowledgement that it was even Valentine’s Day from anyone that I live with either. I was disappointed and thought to myself, “my past is rearing its big fat ass once again”, which made me really heart broken. I feel my past still has reared its big fat ass and that scares me because I thought my past was behind me.

Yesterday was important to me because around this time last year I thought I was going to have a Valentine, someone to celebrate with. Instead a couple days before Valentine’s Day the guy I was dating around this time last year texted me after not hearing from him for a few days. He told me some bad news and I was so heart broken about it that I cried myself to sleep that night. Then when Valentine’s Day actually came around I was still broken up over the news and knew he was completely lost that I texted him wishing him a Happy Valentine’s Day and all this other stuff. I thought I would have gotten something from him in reply but I never did. I never heard from him again. Never got a single it’s over message or a simple call that it was over. NOTHING!!

I couldn’t admit to myself for a couple of weeks that it was really over. Everyone kept telling me it was. Everyone kept wanting me to stop thinking about him. Everyone tried everything for me but all I could do was cry myself to sleep for nights on end. Several nights during my crying I couldn’t sleep. I wished I had heard something from him. I wished I had even gotten a simple instant message from him. NOTHING!! I was so heart broken that the last thing I had heard was the bad news from him about the death of his mom about two days before Valentine’s Day when he told me we would have a wonderful Valentine’s Day together and that he was really looking forward to it.

This being said, yesterday meant a lot to me. I thought I would have had the chance to put my past behind me and be able to really have someone tell me Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you and mean it. I thought I would be able to really give someone something and have them love it just as much as I love it. That wasn’t the case and it made me think so much about my past and how I felt around this time last year. Instead yesterday I felt heart broken and depressed; lost and miserable.

Oh well… nothing I can do now.

It was important to me too because I had made Sir a present from my heart that took a month or so to put together. I was excited about revealing it to Sir. I was excited that Sir and I had made it so far in our relationship and overcome so much. This morning I woke up heart broken and depressed as I stared at it wishing Sir had seen it already and wishing I had heard from him.

After writing this, it’s still important to me but I don’t know how Sir feels about that nor do I think I will really ever know. Plus, after writing this I’m going to reveal Sir’s present to everyone even though he hasn’t seen it because I promised I would in my earlier post about Valentine’s Day a month or so ago.

OUR JOURNEY BOOK

The Cover But Not Completely Finished

The Inside Cover (Safety Reasons Our Real Names Got Hidden)

The Dedication Page on The Back Side of the Inside Cover

The Start of Our Journey

These are only some of the days that are within this book and on the back side of each page (date), I talked about that day and how it made me feel.

Under Sir’s Firm, Yet Loving Hand

I stood in Sir’s bathroom,

Wide eyed and proud.

I watched as Sir unraveled the rope.

Not a word was spoken,

Not a flinch was made.

I gave up what little control I had left.

I wanted, needed and pleaded,

That it was time I let go and guided my Submissive self,

To become one with Sir,

To become Sir’s Lil Slut.

Under Sir’s firm, yet loving hand I was guided,

Mended and tormented,

But pleading and aching for release,

Becoming one with Sir,

While becoming Sir’s Good Lil Slut,

Cumming again and again under Sir’s Domination.

With this being competition Sinful Sunday week, be sure to see who else has competitiveness!!

Subdrop

Today started off really nicely. I was laying in bed feeling the bliss of yesterday. I texted Sir through my bliss and told him, “Good Morning” as I normally do every morning. I never got a text back from Sir and thought maybe he’s just busy away from his phone. I let it go and waited but when sometime went by and I still hadn’t heard a thing I got worried. It’s been almost a full twenty-four hours since I heard from Sir.

I sat on my bed trying to enjoy a few quiet moments with my niece when all of a sudden she saw a tear roll down my cheek and wiped it away. Being that she’s two-years-old I couldn’t come to cry in front of her because she knew from the look on my face I was going to cry. She said, “crying.” I replied trying to reassure myself, “no, I’m not crying sweetie.”

Immediately upon her departure from my room, I began crying. I knew it was time it happened. I knew why too. It wasn’t because I hadn’t heard from Sir all day. It wasn’t because I missed yesterday and wanted it back.

Instead I was crying because Subdrop had kicked sooner than I thought it was going to. I knew from yesterday sitting on Sir’s bed the last few hours we were together watching TV that I had already started to feel it. I knew every time Sir asked me if I was okay and I told him I was that I really wasn’t. I knew I was lying to Sir and myself but I tried my best to maintain the feelings that we both had been feeling all day. I didn’t want to ruin anything.

I was feeling the way I was feeling sitting on Sir’s bed because all I could think about was letting him go. Not go as in leave my life. Not go as in leave me for the night. Instead, go as in Go back home to Sir’s hometown. I felt so lost in myself that I couldn’t even tell Sir how I was feeling and how scared I was to let him go back home. I knew it was a few months away but it was all I could think about as I sat there on Sir’s bed watching TV with him.

I felt so amazing, so incredible and so in love in Sir’s arms yesterday. That when my mind had time to wander all I could think about was how it was going to feel letting Sir go. I knew it wasn’t going to change how we both felt or mess with our relationship but it would put a strain on my heart.

Today, not hearing from Sir as I wore his sweatshirt all day made me realize that this is how it’s going to be when I let him go. I’m scared to let Sir go. I’m scared of what my heart will feel the entire time he’s gone. I’m scared of time flying by and Sir having to go quicker than I thought. I’m just not ready for it and I thought I wouldn’t feel this way or think about it until Sir and I got closer to that time.

I know Sir is reading this and is probably thinking all kinds of things. I know I am and as Sir reads this I don’t want him to think that I haven’t been thinking about it because I have. I haven’t necessary made any decisions or put anything down. I’m just trying to understand it all and right now get through this sudden unexpected Subdrop.

I know Subdrop happens after being in Subspace and that every Submissive goes through it difficulty as well as experiences it sooner or much later than they experienced the Subspace. I know for me I’ve only experienced it one other time and that was within minutes of my Dominate leaving me. This time I have experienced it much later and without much warning.

All I know is that I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling scared. I’m tired of thinking I know how to handle it.

I’ve tried to listen to music. I’ve tried to watch TV. I’ve tried to cuddle up on the bed with my Lots-o’-huggin’ Bear from Toy Story 3. I’ve tried numerous other things. Nothing has seemed to work to ease my tears until I got to writing, “I know Sir is reading this…” Even that didn’t help much but it made my tears start to disappear and my heart feel a little better.

I wish Subdrop wasn’t so hard to handle. I wish I knew how to cure it quicker. I wish that I could just simply ignore it and not let it overcome me.

Subdrop I hate you the most today because I don’t need you or want you in my life right now.

Laying In Bed The Morning After

I laid in bed this morning admiring how amazing I felt after yesterday. I wore Sir’s sweatshirt with nothing but booty shorts feeling incredible. I was in a bliss from yesterday’s fun filled sexy day.

Teaching To Be Bad In a Bathroom

I had been contemplating this for some time now. I just wasn’t sure how to go about it or even if I really wanted to. After some encouragement I went ahead and thought what’s the worst that could happen, someone could see me. BIG DEAL!! *sarcasm*

When class rolled around today, I got dressed in such a manner that would allow me to make this task easy on myself and grabbed my camera taking it with me on my way out the door.

I wonder what’s behind the closed door…

THIS ONE?

After a couple minutes, I got even braver!!

Dee’s Scavenger Hunt

P.S. Does this mean I’ve achieved the Public Toilet Scavenger Hunt Award? I think yes!!

Thank You Viewers!!

On January 22, 2012 alone I got 172 viewers who came to visit my blog. Again on the following Sunday, January 29, 2012 I got 170 viewers once again. I’m not sure if Sinful Sunday was the cause of it or if it was the content I posted. Whether or not either was the case, I am so grateful to have had all those viewers stop by my blog and browse over the content that is posted here.

The days in between that I had a total of 174 viewers alone. Seeing these stats pop up on my blog as they have made me super excited. I was extremely excited about all of this that I even told Sir about the two mentioned days above. Sir’s response was “WOW.” Sir a little bit after his initial response sent me another text message saying, ” How does it feel knowing people like perving on Your sexy body?” I replied back to Sir with my answer and he seemed pleased.

Pleased as Sir and I were and still are, I can’t be truly pleased until I thank all of you, my viewers. It’s without you, my viewers that my blog wouldn’t be what it is. My viewers provide me the inspiration to be bold and put it all out there. My viewers leave me comments of encouragement and confidence. My viewers are what help me truly make this blog happen even though a big part of it relies on me to write it and publish it.

Without you, my viewers I’d be lost. I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for viewing my blog, leaving me comments and encouraging me to be bold. I wouldn’t be able to express this side of me and this part of my life without you, my viewers because you understand this part of me and this part of my life.

THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!

Pink and Puffy

After 11 minutes, 15 seconds and 83 milliseconds of Clover…